I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
