I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
