I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
