oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
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