My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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