I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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