Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
