So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
