ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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