just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
