Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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