your room smells of hookers.
And success
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
