finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
