Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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