No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
