WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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