Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
