my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
