Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
