Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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