This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
