I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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