so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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