Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize