Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
