Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
