Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My balls are so social today.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
