Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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