Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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