the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
