You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
