awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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