ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
