you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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