I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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