Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
