Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize