Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
