apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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