i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
