put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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