I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
