I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
