for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Of course I have a pirate flag
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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