youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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