How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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