what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
