Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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