It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
