It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
