Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
