how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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