Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just cropdusted the office
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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