Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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