I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
