somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
