I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
