Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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