he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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