High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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