you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
